Parenting 101: How to Take a Family Portrait

Disclaimer: I have not yet actually SEEN the pictures, so this is pretty much hypothetical advice. I will add photos when I get them.

Taking a family portrait is a complicated, multi-step procedure that will require a large amount of preparation. Preparations should begin several days before the actual date of portraiture.

Step 1: Guilt

The first step in preparing your photo-apprehensive child to sit nicely for a photo is to frequently bathe him/her in large doses of guilt. You can plant these guilt-seeds early so that you can call on them later, when needed. For example, “Marcus, these pictures are VERY important to Mommy. Mommy REALLY wants to get a nice picture of our whole family. I sure hope you’ll have a nice smile on your face for the pictures.” To which your wiley four-year-old will nod solemnly and reply, “Oh yes, Mommy, I’ll smile real nice.” The seeds planted in this step will be re-visited during the photo-taking process.

Step 2: Negotiations (subtitled: How to Trick Your Child into Not Dressing like a Superhero)

Wardrobe issues can be preventable if proper care is taken to ensure that some garment that is somehow more desirable than a superhero outfit can be procured. In our case, Nanny sent some summer clothes about a month ago, and one of the outfits was a very adorable golf shirt with plaid shorts. I knew right away that this was the outfit I wanted him to wear, so I put it on top of his dresser for him to see. When he asked about it, I let him know that it was a special golfer outfit, but that he wouldn’t be allowed to wear it until summer. He asked about it frequently, but I didn’t give in. Then, day of the photos, I “relented” and said, “Hey Marcus, do you want to wear your golf outfit for the pictures?” MWAHAHAHA!!!! He bought it hook, line, and sinker. He strutted about proudly, asking Daddy, “Do I look like a golfer? I REAL like my golf outfit.” Spiderman: denied. Luckily I never dress my little girl up, so when I presented a pretty little spring dress she just about died. “OOOoooohhhh PRINCESS DRESS!” And luckily as well, Marcus tends to feel very charitable when things are going his way, so he was sure to say things like, “Isn’t she so cute in her dress? She looks like a princess!” Skyler was eating it up. Both kids were so proud of themselves I even managed to sneak some gel into Marcus’s hair and a comb into Skyler’s.

Step 3: Outright Bribery

“Marcus and Skyler, if you do a very good job during pictures and smile nicely for the camera, Mommy will take you both to Dollarama and you will be able to choose any toy you like.” My inside voice was saying, “If you do NOT shoot webs at the photographer, and if you do NOT cry at her, me, or anyone, and if you do NOT make growly monster faces at the camera, if you look at least in the direction of the camera, then I will gladly follow through on my bribe.”

Step 4: Setting the Scene (subtitled: Never Let Them Smell Your Fear)

Cheery voices, cheery faces, and above all, do NOT let them know how completely sure you are that they are going to pull some strategic and destructive manoeuvres during the session.

Step 5: Try Very Hard to not Lose it at the First Sign of Non-Compliance

So once we got to the photographers, I could almost hear the hair on the back of Marcus’s neck rising. He plunked himself down on the couch and folded his arms over his chest. I smiled encouragingly at him and said, “I’m just so excited to get some nice family photos! This is going to be SO nice for Mommy!” (see Step One). We managed to cajole him into the scene, although I'm not sure if he was participating or not. It's hard to tell if he's smiling or growling, and I have a feeling he was looking purposefully away from the photographer. After a few shots he returned to the couch. Skyler, on the other hand, was eating up the entire process. Every little thing the photographer wanted her to do, she was there. She batted her eyes adorably at the camera. She tilted her chin. She kissed me when asked. She was pretty sure this entire photo shoot was about her. In fact, her and I were having such a good time getting our photo taken, Marcus started to creep into the pictures. I’m not sure how that’ll look in the photos. A happy little family with a creepy four-year-old lurking in the background.

Step 6: Have the Shoot Somewhere Fun so the Entire Day isn’t a Wash

After the maternity photos at the studio, we headed to Neck Point for some family shots. At first the non-compliance resurfaced, but our kids can’t help but have fun when they’re outside, and all we really wanted was some pictures where we were all smiling—we weren’t worried about looking formal or anything. Smiling, and not shooting webs at the camera. Is that too much to ask?

All in all, we felt the day was a success, so we headed to Dollarama afterwards. This is actually where we got swindled, because we haven't actually SEEN the photographs yet, so there's a pretty good chance that they didn't earn those bribes. Skyler chose a Dora balloon and Marcus chose a 3-pack of toy swords (with which he swats and stabs at Skyler’s new balloon). This is momentous as it’s the first weapon we’ve let him be in possession of. So far nobody has lost an eye and he hasn’t exhibited any psychotic tendencies, so let’s all knock on wood.

All I want is one good maternity photo for the baby book and one nice photo of the four of us, smiling and looking at the camera. Fingers crossed.

Post-edit: I am totally taking back the toy swords. Well, maybe all but one.

Photos courtesy of Rebecca Ladret, Ladret Photography: rladret@gmail.com