Marcus: Bestower of the Insincere and Random Compliments

Marcus, when feeling particularly generous or gregarious, often likes to randomly compliment people. Most of the time it’s the shirt you are wearing, as in, “I like your shirt, Mom!” but often (perhaps if he has already complimented your shirt, or if you are wearing a shirt which in some way displeases him), he branches out and compliments you in more obscure ways. David bought me some flowers the other day, and Marcus has been complimenting them profusely. “I real like your flowers, Mom.” I always say thanks even though I know I shouldn’t take credit for them, but you have to acknowledge a compliment. The other day, to David, “I like your big feet, Dad.” David must have been sporting a very disagreeable shirt that day. Then, today, upon entering the van and having to squeeze past my large-ish abdomen, he pats the beast a few times and says, “I like your big fat belly, Mommy.” Oh. Dear. That may become an issue. So of course I had to let him know that it is never okay to call somebody fat, because it may hurt their feelings, but then I inadvertently hurt HIS feelings, because he was just trying to compliment me after all. He got all offended and settled into his carseat, folded his arms on his chest, knotted his eyebrows together, and declared, “Well, I’m a big fat Marcus.”

David just got home, so Marcus came out of his bedroom (I guess no nap today) and said, “Dad.” “Yes son?” “I like your cellphone.”

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Marcus: Excuse me.

Skyler (little Miss Echo): ‘Scuse me

Marcus: No. You don’t GET to say excuse me. YOU didn’t toot.

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Skyler’s new game is to get right in Marcus’s face. Marcus starts with, “Excuse me, Skyler.” She says nothing, just sits in his way and looks at him. Marcus’s voice rises, “I SAID, EXCUSE ME SKYLER.” Completely stoic. This goes on for several more rounds, with Skyler as the clear victor. Then Marcus hits or pushes her out of the way and Skyler gives the loudest fake cry, then runs to Mommy or Daddy screaming, “Marcus hit me! Marcus hit me!” I hope that eventually she will choose to use her powers for good instead of evil.

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Why do kids, regardless of age, always wait until the LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT to empty their bladders? Why do they wait until they have to squirm their pants down with their knees laced together, or in Skyler’s case, until the pee is already trekking a rivulet down her shin? What is it about peeing that causes such an adverse reaction in those under three-and-a-half feet high? Because son, when you are holding yourself and wriggling your body and can’t sit still on the couch even though your very favourite episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on, even I can see that you have to pee, but you insist that your body is not telling you it’s time. And if I pause the show to ask you if you’re sure, you become furious and tell me you will NEVER PEE AGAIN.